The Top 31 Reasons (and Hilarious Truths) to Why Owning a Car is Better than Having a Girlfriend
Next time your old lady is nagging you to take out the trash, or tells you she's got PMS, head out the garage and give your favorite girl a hug... and remember all of the reasons you're better off owning a car than having a girlfriend.
1. She's MUCH lower maintenance.
No flowers, or dinners or diamond earrings, or doing yard work... Keeping your car happy is much easier than having a girlfriend. An oil and filter change every 7500 miles, maybe a wax every season, a new set of tires for your 3rd year anniversary and eventually a tune up later on with some shiny new sparkplugs.
2. She doesn't care if you look at, or talk out loud that you WANT other cars.
She's already suspicious of your secretary... and she freaks out every time you don't answer the phone when you're out. You can't even tell your girlfriend your celebrity crush these days for fear of her thinking one day you'll meet them in the streets somewhere and get it on. Your car could care less if she's the only one, or you're polygamous.
3. She doesn't care how fast you finish.
Your girlfriend is complaining about last night's 3 minutes of heaven? Thats practically a marathon. Your car is happy to help you finish in 4-5 seconds.
4. She'll never gain weight.
Expect your girlfriend to look fantastic the first year, but after the honeymoon stage is over, look out. She's going to pack on a few pounds. But your car will never gain weight. In fact, the longer she's with you, the more weight she'll probably lose.
5. She's not offended at the suggestion of plastic surgery.
If only girlfriends came with body kits, so we could make them look as sexy as we wanted. Well, they don't, but your car can.
6. She's ready to go any time you are.
If you want to go for a ride with your girl, she's always ready and waiting. She doesn't need to freshen up, she doesn't take forever to do her makeup. She'll never make you late.
7. She's easier to turn on.
No romance or feeling sharing here. You don't have to perform karma sutra or maintain your six pack at the gym. You don't have to wine and dine her or go the extra mile. Just turn the key, or these days, just push a button and she'll get hot right away.
8. You don't have to guess what's wrong.
Girlfriends like to play games. They'll tell you nothing's wrong when there's something wrong and then they make you guess. Your car isn't like that. She doesn't turn on the check engine light, and then act like nothing's wrong. That thing stays on until you take care of it. When she's mad, you know it. The check engine light comes on, the OBD II code comes up and you know instantly what's bothering her.
9. Your friends love her.
Nothing worse than dating a girl that doesn't get along with your friends. You don't have to worry about that when it comes to your car. Your friends will love her. Guys always appreciate a well tuned engine and a hot body, and some really big head lights, especially when she doesn't nag you all the time.
10. She's got junk in the trunk.
What guy doesn't love a little "junk in the trunk?" I mean seriously... you've got all sorts of stuff back there... tools, water bottles, an old gym bag. When was the last time you cleaned it out?
11. She doesn't care or need constant reassurance you love her.
Unlike your nagging girlfriend, your car already knows. You take excellent care of her and you won't stop talking about her.
12. No stubble.
Unlike your lazy girlfriend's lumberjack legs during the winter, your car is always smooth, shiny and waxed.
13. You can look at dirty pictures of your car in public.
Unlike those snapchats your girl sent you while you were at work, you can look at pictures of your car, or even other cars all day long and get excited and not feel like a pervert.
14. Your car doesn't have car friends that will convince her that you're not good enough.
Don't those bitches have anything better to do seriously? Its no wonder why they're single.
15. You have complete control over your car at all times.
God knows what your girlfriend was out doing until all hours of the night with her friends.
16. If your car is out of commission, the dealership will give you a temporary car to keep you satisfied.
This is seriously like the 4th time this month your girlfriend has had a headache, and the third time she's gotten her period.
17. You can sell your car off to a complete stranger and no one will arrest you for trafficking.
18. You can make a joke at how run down or beat up your car is or looks, and people will think it's funny.
See what happens when you make a joke about your girlfriend... your bedroom will be included in the 49 US states to have self-service pumps.
19. Cars 50 years old, or older, still look just as good, if not better than many younger ones.
As long as you take good care of her, she'll be young and beautiful forever.
20. Your car doesn't nag you about a commitment.
In fact, you are even allowed to test drive your car as much as you'd like before having to make one.
21. When you find a new car you're interested in, you can get a complete history of every other driver she's ever been with.
22. All of your car's problems can usually be fixed.
The same cannot be said for the girl you're dating. At least not without a therapist.
23. Your car actually helps you get laid.
Your girlfriend actually does the exact opposite of this. Sometimes just by having one means you're not.
24. Your car is actually useful.
You know, like it can take you places, and can also charge your phone...
25. Your car always listens to the same music you do.
No requests for pop or R&B. Whatever you want, you get.
26. Your car can unobtrusively accompany you and your guy friends to a strip club.
Added bonus, she's perfectly fine waiting outside until you're done.
27. If parts of your car are too loose, you can tighten them.
28. It's considered a good thing if your car carries a lot of baggage.
29. Unlike your girlfriend, your car can help you pay the rent.
Selling rides in your car to complete strangers is a perfectly acceptable form of employment. Ever hear of Uber?
30. You can turn your car off whenever you want.
Girlfriends do not have this option. Or the ability for that matter. Especially if you live with them.
31. When you are 25 years old, you can legally rent a car if you don't have one.
I said "legally". This isn't Canada.
BONUS: Your car has no self-esteem issues. She has no problem going aroud topless.
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