How to Stop Driving Like an Idiot. You know who you are.
Most of you know how to drive well. You know the laws, rules of the road, driving educate and if you’re from Jersey, you know how to pay tolls and properly negotiate a circle. Some people think they own the road. That they get a special pass to drive like an idiot because their car is louder, faster, sportier, or just plain more obnoxious. Sometimes there is no real reason behind why people drive the way they do. But the bottom line is that it endangers others so we're not pointing fingers, we are just asking you to stop driving like an @$$. If you are unsure if you do this or not, here’s a little reminder of what NOT to do behind the wheel of a car:
1. Driving Slow in the Fast Lane. If you don’t want to drive fast thats fine, but get out of the passing lane. Its not just the lane you drive in to look cool, this lane, (if you paid attention in drivers ed) actually has a purpose. Its to pass other cars and help maintain a steady flow of traffic for people who do not need to exit the highway or make right turns. Please just stay to the right with the other grandmas and their bucks.
2. Not moving over when someone is trying to pass in the fast lane. If you must insist driving in the “cool lane” fine. Do what you got to do. But if you’re not going with the flow of traffic, and there are 16 cars behind you just yield to the right before you cause an entire lane of road ragers. You don’t get to OWN your space just because you are doing the speed limit in the fast lane and thats the law. We understand it’s also equally as obnoxious when those drivers tailgate and flash their high beams to signal you to move, but guess what, you’re in their way. Either put the pedal to the medal or move on over. Nothing causes more aggressive drivers than your stupidity in the fast lane.
3. Talk on your phone without a hands free device or texting while driving. Nothing makes me want to slam my breaks on more then when I see one of these offenders in the car behind me. When you are in jail for vehicular manslaughter, we’ve got a big serving of “I told you so”.
4. Speeding up when someone is trying to merge, just because. Completely unnecessary. You don’t own the road. Just let the baby have his bottle and keep your hands on the wheel. If you get aggressive you’re only adding one extra a$$ho!e on the road likely to cause an accident. Yes, I was talking about you.
5. Not using your blinker when switching lanes. We aren’t mind readers. We don’t know where you’re going, and we don’t know where you’ve been. You’re on a road to nowhere… just kidding. Seriously though… its not cool to NOT use your blinker. Like not wearing a seatbelt in the 80’s.
6. Pulling a Fast & Furious move that results in cutting off other drivers because you almost missed your off ramp. Its reckless. If you don’t want to be rear-ended then please don’t act like a horse’s rear end.
7. Blasting your horn at the car in front of you when they are clearly not the one who is causing the delay. Get your head out of your ass and look three cars ahead. Listen to your Zen Relaxation podcast. Beeping will not cause you to get there any faster, only piss everyone off.
8. Rubbernecking. Maybe its a right of passage, earned through enduring a 2 hour delay on the freeway, but don’t complain about rubbernecking delays while sitting in an hour of traffic only to rubberneck as soon as you get to the accident. No you haven’t earned the right. Move along. Or you're just as bad as everyone you've been cursing out in front of you for the past 2 hours.
9. Parking crooked or in two spaces. Just redo it. You look like an idiot. No one is going to dent your car, and if you are that worried, park far away and walk up. But take two spaces during a busy holiday and you pretty much asking to have your car keyed.
10. Cutting the line to the off ramp, forcing your way in up front and getting angry at the other drivers for driving their cars inches away from the car in front of them to avoid letting you in. Just get in line and wait your turn. You’re not special. The concept behind merging only works when everyone cooperates like civilized adutles and allows engouh space for cars to flow seamlessly into one lane. When you drive up the side and force your way in, you cause delays for everyone behind you.
11. Driving your car into the middle of an intersection during a yellow light about to turn red, forcing traffic to wait for you to make your turn. Its just obnoxious. And making a left hand turn during a red light in an intersection is well… illegal.
12. “Blocking the box.” Just… don’t. Seriously. We’ve all worked a 10 hour day, had a 2 hour commute into the city and now have a 2 hour commute in gridlock home. Don’t drive into the intersection during a yellow light when the roadway in front of you is backed up to the light. Then you get yourself stuck in the middle of the intersection, getting horns, hand gestures and obscenities from all the city drivers telling you what a jerk you are.
13. Going the exact same speed as the person in the lane next to you to avoid letting anyone from passing, while screaming in your head, “You Shall Not Pass!” You’re not Gandalf. You’re not in charge of highway speed control. They’re not hurting you. If another driver wants to drive fast, let them go before you cause an accident. Chances are they’ll get pulled over by that cop in the speed trap way before you do.
14. Blaring your horn just because the light turned green and the driver didn’t immediately take off like a funny car on a drag strip. Give them a second. Maybe 5 seconds. Then if they still haven’t moved, be polite about it and beep lightly as a friendly “Hey buddy, Green Light.”
15. Rev’ing your engine really loud. Ever. Or at least any place other than a car show. We get it, your car is big and loud, compensating for one or two things really small. No one appreciates your noise pollution. Please respect the neighborhood and refrain from doing this. It doesn’t make you look cool, it makes you look like a jerk.
16. 3+ attempts to parallel park. You shouldn’t have been able to pass your driver’s test without this one. Everyone misjudges once in a while, but now a days half the cars park themselves. There is no reason you need to block up the lane for 5 minutes trying to squeeze your SUV into a spot way too small. Practice this on your own between two cones in front of your house if you must, but don’t hold up the rest of the world because you’re incompetent.
17. Driving slow because you are looking for a house number or street sign, and not pulling over to let the other cars pass. Just get out of the way. No one else should have to wait because your phone ran out of batteries and you can’t figure out which way to get to your friend’s raging kegger. Just pull over, let everyone else pass, and continue driving like a grandma down the road with your hazards on until you’ve found your street.
18. Eating while you are trying to pull out into traffic. Seriously, your cheeseburger can wait 5 minutes, at least until you’ve pulled out into the flow of traffic so that you are not trying to make a right hand turn while your head is down rummaging through the McDonald’s bag for sweet and sour sauce while nearly colliding with the car in front of you, and holding up the car leaving the drive through behind you. Pay attention. You’re not going to die of starvation.
19. Swerve lanes and cut people off in the easy pass line. If you don’t have EZ Pass all I can do is quote my favorite rapper Ludacris and say “Move Bitch, get out the way.” Nothing is more irritating then people driving slow and cutting cars off by swapping toll lanes last minute to try to get into the toll booth one car sooner. Pick your booth early on - you know damn well if you need the cash line, have coin change or can blast on through with an EZ pass - and stay in your line. Don’t pull out and drive between lanes or cut people off and swap lanes as you are pulling up to the booth. You’re just cutting off and delaying the people behind you who know how to drive properly. Be courteous and considerate and for heaven’s sake, if you live in NY or NJ please just get a damn EZ Pass.
20. Cutting someone off to merge into their lane and then hitting the brakes. Look, if you are going to pull some fancy manuever to get into my lane, thats fine. Its hard to do in certain situations and there's only so long you want to wait. But if you are going to cut me off to merge into my lane, your ass better be accellerating. There is nothing worse then when someone cuts into your lane and then hits the brakes. If this happens then it was clearly the wrong time to cut someone off, and you simply do not know how to drive. Please, practice patience and don't cause an accident.
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