Bugging Out: Bad Ass VW Beetles You Won't Be Embarrassed to Own
Lets face it. Volkswagen Beetles are… cute. You’d get one for your girlfriend or wife, but most VW Beetles today you probably wouldn’t be caught dead driving in. Even vintage Beetles were advertised as “The Car it’s OK if your Wife Hits Something In”… For $24.95 plus labor, you can replace that dented fender without having to dismantle the entire car! Rear end someone? No worries! She can’t mess it up, the engine is in the back.
In the 60’s they tried to man up with a few racing stripes and a trip to Monte Carlo. The 70’s into the 80’s they got a little trippy and psychedelic, but eventually evolved back into a chick driving flower power mobile. Ferdinand Porsche certainly won’t regard it as his most brilliant endeavor, and he probably rolled over in his grave the day they installed the dashboard flower pots.
In one more attempt over the years to “man up” the VW Beetle they even created a game called Punch Buggy where kids would haul off and punch each other upon sighting. You get punched twice in the arm if said car happens to be the Beetle’s most popular color, yellow. What’s more manlier than flogging the person next to you in the arm as hard as you can, inflicting bone brusing pain and blue welts at the very sight of one of VDub’s beloved Slug Bugs? But if you don't see it first are you being punished for simply being in its presence? Whatever. We all know it was a game created for brothers to have an excuse to wail on thier sisters during road trips. PUNCH BUGGY YELLOW, NO PUNCH BACKS!
Some of the vintage Beetles are cool and nostalgic. Literally, the word "vintage" means "Old, but cool", however vintage Beetles were, well death traps. Literally. Not only did putting the engine behind the rear wheels sort of making it dangerous to handle, there was a good possibility your pretty much useless heat and defrost handles were going to allow the car to become filled with carbon monoxide. And then you die. German Engineering at it's finest...
Impossible? Yes this was impossible. Why? Because your VDUB did not come with a radiator. Read the fine print, it says your rear engine is cooled with air, not water... and since air can't boil, hey, neither can your car! But your cylinders can warp, and your engine parts can melt. But it gets better... air cannot freeze either! Which means not having a radiator means you don't need anti-freeze. No leaky hose, no draining, no flushing, no rust. Just an occasional engine fire that will most likely total your car. But don't worry, you can always use the water in your windshield washer. They come standard in every car.
Hydraulic brakes in the “People’s Car”? HELL NO. Let’s give them some cabled actuated brakes. You’ve seen what happens if you don’t apply even pressure to the front and back brakes on your mountain bike right? Lets just say it was the anti-anti-locking brake system. Suspension was tight. So tight in fact sometimes it snapped, landing your Beetle belly side up. These bad boys even had windshield washers that were powered by the air in your spare tire. Lets hope you’ll never need that for anything. Best of all they were easy to repair. Just as easy as they were to break. Which made VW a fortune in spare parts you were constantly replacing.
Volkswagen always liked to appeal to the modest consumer. LIVE BELOW YOUR MEANS: Chances are you'll drive your VW for years. We never change the style, so it never goes out of style. Of course, a VW's not much to look at. So a lot of people buy a big flashy car just to save face. Try putting that in the bank. Damn... VW, you may not have a radiator but you can still burn!
And lets not get started about what’s under the hood… er, we mean… trunk. With a whooping 22.5 horsepower in 1937, you were definitely giving your dad’s lawn equipment a run for its money. But the late models? Hold onto your panties ladies, the 2012 VW Beetle 2.0 Turbo will whiplash you to 60 in about 5.7 seconds, however most putter around at a leisurely 8-15 seconds depending on year and trim. Can you say sleeper? Put-me-to-sleeper? ZZZzzzz.
Anyway you put it though out the years the Punch Buggy has never been a cool car to own. In fact, most Beetle “owners” don’t “own” them. They pay $21,000-26,000 to “adopt” them into the family and give them names and personalities, and its really bad ass I swear. The only good thing about owning a VW Bug is that no one can punch you for it. This is called Punch Buggy Owner Immunity. The only bad thing about owning a VW Beetle, aside from it lacking in “cool-ratings” is that you can’t punch anyone else in its presence. But your friends can punch each other.
Said no guy ever about his VW Beetle. Until Now…
So now… after all said and done, you’ve learned about how UN-MASCULINE VW Beetles can be… Even Volkswagen admitted they left something to be desired. They've come a long way in reliablity over the years, and now even have real brakes, radiators, and air conditioners that won't give you carbon monoxide poisoning. Better yet, they are now just as expensive as any other car to repair and maintain and rebuild ever since the 90's. But still... your average punch buggy, modern or vintage ranks very low on your list of "cars a guy would love to own." And now, when you are finally at the point where you are about to ask yourself, can these cars get any whimpier, more feminine and less intimidating, it’s time throw it in reverse and blow the trunk off this piece to show you the most Bad Ass Beetles on the planet. We guarantee that not only have you never imagined they could look so cool, (and that while you may not change your religion…) there’s at least one or two of these gems that you would actually let your guy friends see you driving. Enjoy!